-Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.
-Wear a sock to work that has had the toe shredded by a blender.
-Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, “Be a good puppy, go potty now – hurry up -come on, lets go!”
-Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white
hair, and light suits must use dark hair.
-Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
-Play “catch” with a wet tennis ball.
-Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
-Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the
-Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that’s where the
dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)
-Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV
program and run to the door shouting, “No no! Do that OUTSIDE!” Miss the end of the program.
-Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don’t try to
clean it up until you return from work that evening.
-Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a
screwdriver, it’s going to get chewed on anyway.
-Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls
asleep on your lap.
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. the dog stays outside in a
specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house but only for short visits or if his
own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis provided his dog house can be sold in a lawn sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined
to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal in the lawn sale,
and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the
old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, under the covers with his
head on the pillow, but if he snores, he’s got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in your bed,
but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you’re now sleeping. That’s just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary
resident” even if it’s true.
1) If I like it, it’s mine
2) If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine
3) If I can take it from you, it’s mine
4) If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine
5) If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way
6) If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine
7) If it just looks like mine, it’s mine
8) If I saw it first, it’s mine
9) If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine
10) If it’s broken, it’s yours
VISITORS: Quickly determine which quest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on the person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl! gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark—
a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their home,
especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.
There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing your protective bark, bark, bark…..
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere.
It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when
there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.
It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never— quite— catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry…..Eat a shoe
1. Blaming your farts on me… not funny… not funny at all!!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose… stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we
chew your stuff up when you’re not home
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo
Hoooooo…what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised
when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry,
but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9 . Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven’t you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know
the truth, you’re just jealous.
Take a large towel or blanket and gently throw it over your dog’s head. If he frees
himself from the towel in less than 15 seconds, give him 3 points.
If it takes 15-30 seconds, 2 points.
If it takes him longer than 30 seconds, give him 1 point.
If he lays down and sleeps under the blanket, he’s a basset hound
Place a treat (or his favorite toy) under one of three buckets that
are lined up in a row. Show your dog which bucket the treat is under.
Turn the dog away for 10 seconds. Then let the dog go.
If he goes straight to the right bucket (the one with the treat under
it), give him 3 points. If it takes two tries to find the treat, 2
points. If he checks the wrong two first before finding the treat,
give him 1 point.
If, while you are setting up your buckets, he steals the box of
treats you left on the table, he’s a basset hound
Place a treat in a square of aluminum foil and fold it twice to close
it. If the dog uses his paws to get the foil open, give him 3 points.
If he uses his mouth and paws to open the foil, give him 2 points. If
he can’t get the foil open and just starts playing with it, give him
If he grabs the aluminum foil, and eats it along with the treat, he’s a basset
On a day you normally don’t walk the dog, quietly pick up your keys,
and his leash (and whatever else you usually take with you) while
he’s watching. If he gets excited, score 3. If you have to walk to
the door before he knows it is time to go out, score 2. If he sits
there with a confused look on his face, give him 1 point.
If he looks at you, and then takes your seat on the couch, than he’s a basset
With your dog out of the room, rearrange the furniture. If he goes
directly to his favourite spot on the couch, the one with his
impression in the cushion, give him 3 points. If he investigates the
room and finds his favourite spot within 30 seconds, give him 2
points. If he settles for a less comfortable place because he’s just
too lazy to make the effort, score 1 point.
If he heads for the bedroom, and snuggles under your comforter, than he’s a basset
Construct a barrier from cardboard. The barrier should be higher than
your dog when he’s on two legs. Attach two boxes to either side as
support structures. The entire barrier should be about 5 feet wide.
Cut a 3-inch-wide rectangular aperture in the center of the barrier.
The aperture should run from about 4-inches from the top to about
4-inches from the bottom. Give yourself 10 points – those were pretty
complicated directions! As for the dog, show him a treat from the
other side of the barrier. If he walks around the barrier within 30
seconds, give him 3 points. If he goes around the barrier between 30
seconds and a minute, give him 2 points. If he gets his head stuck in
the aperture, give him 1 point for trying. Bonus points: If he goes
to someone else in the house and gets a treat, give him 3 points – he
knows how to get the goodies.
If he knocks the barrier over, steals the treat, knocks you down,
drools all over you, and then steals the box of treats you left on
the table, than he’s a basset hound